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You can’t!
Of course we want to protect our kids from sickness, injury, insult, failure, bullying, loneliness, sadness, fear and everything else we went through and hated. That’s how to be a good parent, right?
Wrong.
Yes we need to protect our kids from danger and warn them of the risks of bad choices.
But you have to face the fact…
You can’t protect your kids from everything.
Appetizing?
This week we are camping and it reminded me of one of the worst experiences we had as new parents.
In this video I’ll tell you how Kathy and I failed to protect our daughter when she was only one. We felt like total failures as parents.
Just click on the video and I’ll tell you what happened.
To live a transformed life you have to allow kids to experience life for themselves.
Now I want to hear from you
What lessons have you learned from your kids? Â Just leave your comments in the box below.
Would you like to meet with me personally to discuss areas in your life where you feel stuck?
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Iâll talk to you next week,
Grant
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Comments 20
I would like to read your comments about protecting our kids, but my computer do not have the video facility at the moment. Can you not send the words via email then I can read more of your stuff as the video’s does not work for me.
Regards
Sandra
My son is 33, 2nd marriage to gal who is bi-polar, 2 granddaughters, who had to move back home when the housing market bottomed out, on unemployement for at least a year now . . . & I still try to protect him(them) . . . everytime I “let go & let God”, I just pick it up again . . . Just hurt seeing them go through the “stuff”, dealing with his depression, unforgiveness & hate . . . so I guess I have not learned anything . . .
Sandra, there is no transcript of the video at the moment. When you computer is back working again you can see the videos stored on my blog page: https://drgrantmullen.com/blog/
Cheryl, yes you have learned lots! Letting go is a lifelong process for all of us. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 2 steps forward, 1 back, just keep going.
I learned much earlier that life is too short to be angry, upset, yelling, or much anything that is not a heaven or hell issue. This is even more important with kids, especially the yelling part, as your and their lives would just be crappy. Get off your butt and get out playing with them! When they get older they will remember the good times with you not the stuff that takes away from life.
We went backpacking in Algonquin park with 4 preteen girls. My wife’s medication made her sleep long hours and very soundly. One night I got the kids to stay up with me to hear the noises the beavers were making cutting down trees. It was great and the kids were fascinated until the wife started to snore and one of the kids yelled that it was a bear.
I have worked hard to protect my son. Looking back I can see how I over protected him instead of letting him learn how to do that for himself. In fact I have hindered him from growing up. On the flip side, there are ways I have failed to protect him and he now is punishing me for my failures. The combination of both has ruined our relationship. We use to be very close and now I have next to no contact and what contact I might have is stressful. He now has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Help.
Gloria, it’s so hard to know when to protect and when to let go. No one does it perfectly. Parenting is such a challenge that’s hard to prepare for.
Big G, I agree totally. When I was small I mean 6 years old or so, in my village. I was gone for teh entire day at atime. My mum would not see me for entire days. I was swimming in the village lake, I was playing war, I was building camps in teh forest, etc. I have about 20 knife cuts on my hands alone, been shot in teh back with an arrow, i have been kicked by a horse, and the list goes on and on. To be honest, when I look at other people my age who never left the site of their parents, I am glad, very glad.
Hi Dr Grant..this video is so on time for me.My son is soon to be twenty-one , an only child and lives at home with us because he was developmentally delayed at birth and struggles with learning disabilities.Lately, we have been dealing with an extraordinary amount of strife and bickering between us.He has been receiving christian counseling and he is doing a lot better than before.I used to blame myself a lot until I realised that he has a medical condition that needed to be addressed.While my parenting skills have been less than perfect,I realised a lot of his problems are not my fault.God has given him a free will and he has the ability to choose right from wrong just like I do.Like many moms do, I also tried to protect him too much but I am learning little by little to let go and place him in the hands of the One who created him and loves him more than me or his dad.But like you said, it is an ongoing process of learning to let go…Blessings to you..
Dr. Mullen,
I like your green “Australia” shirt. Do you mind revealing where you got it and why you wear it?
Regars,
Jury
I bought the shirt in Australia when I was speaking there last year. I wore it this week because last week I wore my New Zealand shirt and I felt there needed to be balance. I’ve had such great times teaching in both countries.
I have always felt very strongly about protecting my children.I think that it is one of the hardest things to do, to let them learn for themselves and understand that we cannot control everything that happens to them in life. There are plenty of things that are totally out of our control we can only do our best and when we make mistakes be honest about it and try again.
My youngest daughter had an accident that had her in hospital for 7 weeks when she was 8 yrs old.The first night in hospital it took the nurses 3 times to get a catheter in and she was screaming in agony each time they tried. For the first 5 days she was in screaming pain everytime we had to move her onto the bedpan or up the bed. To see my beautiful girl suffer was agonising and now 2 yrs on she has recovered physically but emotionally is still recovering.
I have learnt that we have to accept the fact that we dont have total control of everything that happens with our children and the only thing we can really do is trust God with them. I think this is harder for those who grew up in insecure environments as fear can control us and make it alot harder to trust, this has been the case for me! My daughter could have died in her accident and I am thankful to God that she is still with us.
Yes, if you were raised in a fearful environment then letting go of your children will be much harder. Choosing to trust God can be a white knuckle experience. God knows though what we’re going through and he stays close to reassure us of his presence.
My daughters are 26, 33 and 36. I now have a 15 year old son that I adopted at age 7 as a single mom. I raised my girls to experiance life and to be independant, and independant they are, all at different stages of their christian walk. My son is the reason I write. Being adopted he comes with a special design, broken in many ways, I have needed to depend on the Lord and work my faith in ways I never needed to as a biological mom of girls. Here is a writting from my journal I will share with you.
I have seen Him
Yes itâs true
He still lives among us
With me and you
He still heals
And raises the dead
He still works miracles
Just as He said
Iâve seen death
Of a different kind
One that still breaths
But has a twisted mind
One that still eats
But has a broken heart
One that still functions
But has a dark soul
This death resides in little bodies
Broken by abuse
Little minds
Twisted by the sickness of others
Little souls
Darkened by evil
But He heals
And raises the dead
Iâve seen it
Not just in my head
Iâve heald them
As they cried
Iâve seen them
As they struggled
From the darkness
To the light
They came to me
Broken and bleeding
Shallow eyes
Jagged hearts
And frayed minds
I watched with my own eyes
The Lord bring them back to life
Little eyes that sparkle
Little hands that reach out
Little minds that create
Little hearts that shine
And their souls
Lord God, their souls
You, You alone
Have saved their souls
Thanks Janet for that very encouraging poem.
Beautiful poem.I love it..thanks for sharing..
Thank you Grant for the Video about your “charcoal” experience. We have two children 20 and 18. Our son who is 18, when he was just under 2, had a moment like yours but not as toxic. We had settled in for an evening out at a favorite local upscale restaurant when we saw him gagging on something colored. Well the restaurant had put left over bits of crayon in a serving dish for kids to color their place mats. Well you guessed it, he thought they were “candies”. Fortunately enough he had not swallowed them and we cleared them out of his mouth.
Thank you for the encouragement about letting go of our kids, he is 18 and reaching out to things we cannot protect him from. We pray for our kids every day, trusting God will protect them.
Gods Blessings, Kevin
Kids are dangerous and frightening creatures to have around.
Hi Grant,
You have treated all three of my adopted children from a very early age. They are 25, 22 and 22 now. You have been incredibly helpful in many ways and I’m happy to be back enjoying your new ministry and happy to say that I am looking forward to being a part of your email group.
My middle one, female, has always had issues from the lack of nuturing and nutrition stemming from her first year of life in a Romanian Orphange. Some of her disabilities inclde ADD, CAP, short term memory, visual processing deficits as well as expressive and receptive learning issues. She had I have worked hard to get her through highschool and working and to be self sufficient.
One of the areas that Eastern European Orphange Chidren suffer from is a lack of cause and effect thinking and a lack of conscience. This has been a concern with this child for many years. Steaing and lying have increased over the years.
She says that when she seems something she wants it. There is no thought process in between. However she has become progressively deceitful about it in the last couple of years. She takes cash, bank cards, car keys etc. from my purse when I am sleeping to the point where I have changed bank cards many times, sleep with items under my pillow, purchased a safe etc.only to see her remove a Rev.Cda.check for $1000 that I thought was safe from my purse at night, cash it and deny all of it. I have begun to feel that I am enabling her since counselling and parenting are no longer helping. I’ve asked her to live on her own and be totally responsible for herself. She knows that with a police record from crashing my car one time (wihout permission to have it) and now because of theft and fraud with a goverment check, that one further move with stealing means serious consequences for her. We love each other and keep in touch by email daily. Talk about Tough Love or having to let her go on her own to learn to be responsibl!. I pray several times a day to God for strength for her and for me. I do honestly feel that I have guided her as best I can and put immense energy into helping her, but yes I do feel anxiety.
Your video was a huge help as are every one you make.. I cannot thank you enough for all your past help as a physician treating my children and for your present ministry help. God Bless Grant!
Jan
You’re welcome Jan. It was always a pleasure to see your family. You’ve done your best and now they have to face the consequences of their own decisions. You need God’s help to let go and just be an advisor when asked.