Do you want a long and successful marriage?
This week I want to give you a very important tip that can help you cope with a common problem and even save your marriage.
What do you do when your loving and well meaning spouse makes you crazy? For example do they like to “fix” your stuff when you aren’t looking?
Yes, this happened to me after a near disaster in our home. I learned a powerful lesson which I will share with you. It is a critical key to help you stay married.
Fortunately I never cause this kind of stress.
To live a transformed life you need to learn about keys and framing.
Just click on the video and I’ll tell you what happened.
Share the transformed life, send this to a friend.
What do you think?
What circumstances (not just in marriage) have you had to reframe to keep a positive outlook? Just leave your answer in the comment section below.
Talk to you next week when I’ll tell you about your love bucket.
My husband always backed out of our driveway very quickly; one day, he ran over our beloved cat, crushing his head. He then ran into the house and left me to deal alone with the saddness of watching my pet die. I had to choose either to be angry at him over his neglect, or forgive and not blame him for my loss. I chose to let go of the anger because I knew it would be longterm and my husband’s and my relationship was more important than my pet. I could get another pet; not another Jerry! I didn’t know at the time that I was reframing our situation. Thanks for defining that for us.
Dr. Grant, thank you for reminding me to reframe our situation, so when these unfortunate situations come across I remember the word “Reframe” it brings it back to reality, especially with children.
Wow Gail. That situation sure did need reframing. Glad you were able to make the right choice.
Yes Rita, there’s something about children that makes us much more flexible.
Never heard of the idea of reframing—sounds like it could be a way to put a positive spin on a negative event—or vice versa—Thanks
Hi Dr. Grant,
Thank you for sharing that, the only thing that I can recall at this moment is I had a beautiful vase, in which I had put artificial red roses Chris had bought for me while I was in hosiptal a couple of years ago, Chris broke the vase and I had to also think about not being angry about it, it is only an item.
Accidently Chris spilt his drink over his key board and I also may have been involved in that I cannot remember, but I know Chris was upset about it as it was ruined and though he tried to repair it , he was unable to, so he had to buy another.
God Bless and best wishes for all you are doing
Hi Dr. Mullen,
I had much adjusting to do because I got married for the first time at 50 years old.
My husband tends to view circumstances differently from me. I have learned to put a positive twist on things. Often it is just because he is concerned for me when I think that he is just controlling or angry. He is always right and I find that if I just listen to him and don’t argue that things between us stay good. I still differ in my opinion at times. However, if I express my opinion he feels that I am criticizing him. I know that he is very sensitive so I find that leaving him alone is the best for him. I know that he means well and would do anything for anybody.
My hair is fairly short and my wife has always had long hair. It used to really get under my skin when she would use my hair brush and not clean it out. Then one day I asked myself, “what if something were to happen to her tomorrow, how would I feel if I found a hair of hers a year from now?” The answer was I would probably treasure it! Since then hair in my brush has not been an issue.
My sweet hubby had a huge ‘bay window’ style dining room with tiny window frames on all three sides growing up. His mother used to pay them 5 cents for each frame they cleaned. These were obviously wonderful memories for him. When the huge windows I had wanted for our log cabin home in the Rockies arrived, I was excited to have the wide open vistas to view. Nope. Hubby had ordered them without me there and with his nostalgia waxing great, had ordered them with inserts permanently encased in the gaseous glass. That way we didn’t have to clean them individually! For 13 years I have felt like I am in a prison instead of the unobstructed views I had so dreamed of. I understand why, but no inserts in the next house, lol!
These are great examples of reframing. Thanks for being so honest. It’s amazing how with God’s help we can look at negative or irritating events in a positive way and be better for it. How about the rest of you. Have you ever had to reframe an event?
I know what you mean by “reframing”. Just today it happened to me! I had never felt accepted by my pastor. my friend, on the other hand, is very accepted by him. She would tell me, ” he really wanted so andso on the team”. She said,” He said he finds it hard to communicate with you.”I always felt so rejected.Just today, however, I realized that this friend really was going to bat for me with this pastor. She was the one who said I should be on the team and she tried to communicate my situation to him. This revelation in my spirit reframed my attitude to both my friend and my pastor, PRAISE THE LORD!!!
I think reframing is a wonderful tool to use when we are faced with situations that we cannot change. My son is in hospital at the moment, and I was very upset and sad about the situation. But then my husband said that we need to use this opportunity to have a bit of a ‘holiday’ so that we feel refreshed when he comes home again and will need a lot of care. That helped me to realize that the way I view the situation will determine how I feel about it.
However, I think it’s also something to be said for being able to deal with conflicts constructively, too. It’s a fine line I find. Just putting up with things and trying to look at things positively (i.e being a doormat) when one really should be dealing with the situation is not really good either, if you know what I mean.
Dr. Grant This was an excellent video on reframing for today I had something happen when my husband feed my dog the nornal food when she was not allowed to have due to a health problem. But in the end I did realize that it was not done on purpose but did fix it myself. I always feel badly as my temper tends to get out of control but he has forgiven me now. Thanks for reframing for us too.
My wife and I were out for the day in our motorhome returning after dark. Our two vehicles were in the driveway so I asked Margaret to move my truck. She started backing up watching her car but couldn’t see out the back window of my work truck. When she got within 4 feet of my neighbours truck I started honking the horn, I counted 6 times as she hit my neighbour truck. We both jumped out she blerted out I couldn’t see out your back window and I didn’t hear you blow the horn, I said nothing but I gave her the look I can’t believe you just did that. Because it was dark we could’t see what the damage was and decided to wait until the morning. In the morning I told Margaret I wasn’t angry for her hitting our neighbour’s truck as much as not knowing which way to turn to avoid the collision. This was my response because she is a back seat driver when I drive. Much to our surprise in the morning there was only a nick in the plastic trim and our neighbour said no problem, what a relief. Things very often are better in the morning and especially when fewer words are exchanged in anger. Thanks Dr Mullen for your insights and may we learn to reframe our experiences to honor people over possessions.
Last week my husband and I were on our little houseboat, enjoying our vacation, swimming, fishing, barbequing – wow what a nice time, until I really pulled a blooper. We had just tied up on the “blue line” getting ready to go through the lock on the Rideau Canal. I thought I had figured out how to wrap the rope around the cleat. I was happiling preparing lunch. My husband had gone up the hill to talk to the lockmaster. When I looked up and realized the boat had swung around, going the wrong way. When I ran out the frame on the back of the boat had begun to twist, snap and let go. Well, I am yelling for my husband; he runs down. THe lockmaster stopped the flow of the water being let out of the lock. If the rope had let go all the way, our boat would have smashed into the boat behind us. All my husband said to me was I guess I have to give you another lesson on rope tying. If he had yelled at me, I would have felt better. Yes, we certainly do have a major fix-it job to do on the back of the boat; however our marriage was saved by his loving response. We have learned over the years that is the only way to respond so our marriage remains intact. Thanks for your vidoe. A Sharpe
These are such great examples of how spouses reframe events to keep their love, admiration and respect alive. They make my V key incident even more trivial.
Arlene, I think you described a common problem among boating couples. I’ve watched the locks on the Rideau myself (at the Chateau Laurier) and saw similar rope mishaps from distracted wives. Great entertainment from shore but terror on the boat. Glad you survived and your husband reframed.
This reminds me about a statement that Jack Hayford made some time ago. He said, “You can’t overestimate the unimportance of most things.” I sometimes put it this way. It is not the end of the world and if it is, it doesn’t matter. This is, I believe, an excellent way to help prevent our taking offense.
The V key is obviously a sign of good intentions on the part of Cathy, and can be “reframed” as such once the unnintended effects are accepted.
By comparison, how does one reframe ill intentions from one’s ex-wife such as using lies and deceit to separate a father from the children that he loves and who love him? This is a common effect of our divorce-enabling, anti-father legal system.
Fathers in our situation are constantly challenged to forgive our ex’s in the face of the worst abuse of this kind, with the endorsement of feminist biased courts. I think we are the ones who are forced to appreciate the expression seventy times seven.
Please pray for us!
Reframing only works if both members of a couple are in a loving relationship. It doesn’t work in an adversarial situation as you described. It’s an all too common situation that fathers find themselves in. You have our sympathies and prayers.
I got a new car (second hand) but new to me. This car could tell you all on the dashboard about the oil level, and all the stuff. My friend asked me to take him into a neighbouring town. On the way back my car is overheating and I have to stop. My friend thinks he is quite the mechanic, which he isnât, so he decides to check the water level in the cooling system. I am telling him â âBe careful!â, he says â âDonât worry!â. Well the pressure of the water pushes the cap of the tank off and it falls down in between the motor and all the things around the motor. Now we have almost no water in the cooling system, what was there came out because the cap was taken off and no cap either. Inside I was boiling. It was so easy to just blah, blah, blah… But I realised that the Lord may use that moment as a training exercise. I was sure that the Lord had an easy way out, and that if I listen rather than be all upset about it then we would be home in no time. Well, we ended up using one of my socks as the cup for the cooling tank, after pulling up at a Hilton Hotel to fill the cooling tank up. All we had was a small water bottle and so it took loads of trips to the toilet. I learnt, no matter what, stop and listen â there is a way out.
Our darling grandson has been diagnosed with Duchenne’s Muscular Dystrophy and is losing function steadily at 13 years old . With the help of a friend’s suggestion I have been able to “re-frame” the overwhelming sadness I felt over lost dreams for him and what his life could have been – (as well as feeling devastated about having unknowingly passed it on to him ) – into a kind of thankfulness that he won’t have to go out into this often very difficult world and fight the harsh battles of living in our society . I am not always sure if this is a correct way to think but it has helped me deal with the pain. So that is my experience with “re-framing” and I try to do this regularly now . It is a survival technique for me for sure. Thank You Dr. Mullen .
Delores, that is a very touching description of reframing such a difficult situation. Thanks for sharing that with us.
Just back from a 1 week holiday with my husband and 22 yr old daughter. I am
feeling raw, hurt, unloved and yes angry each day like a yoyo. Daily on the holiday I have been trying to think positively about the situation .. our daughter controlling what when and where and my husband giving in to her. I had many long chats with the Lord throughout the week … more than usual … positive ….He loves me and although I felt rejected, hurt and alone I realised that he had suffered much more for my sake… how did he love people while he was on earth before his death? .. he did not condem, reject or cut them off but He forgave… I still hurt… still feel raw but the anger has subsided as it is not the things that life throws at you but our attitude towards the situation that counts… I can only be responsible for myself and since my husband will not talk about the situation I cannot deal with situation. I remain in the vine because without Him I can do nothing but with him I can still love those who hurt me and grow in knowledge of the love that Christ has for me. Hanging in! Re-framing!!!
Thanks Barbara, as you can see from the previous comments, sometimes reframing is the only survival option we have. It’s a gift God has given us so that all things can work together for good.